96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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