If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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