Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
MIDGETS
????
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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