There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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