Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
