i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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