you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
