Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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