every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
