Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize