why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
