Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He better not be in your backpack
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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