I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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