I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
