The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
