she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
