If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
