Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
