Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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