I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
