Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
