the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
