just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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