hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
