i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You are the jesus of drinking
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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