just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
