I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
