Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
