the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
