at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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