i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
