I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
