If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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