Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
