Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize