She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
