mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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