my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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