Pappa wants mamma naked
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
