It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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