her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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