u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
