sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
