im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
