he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize