Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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