i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize