i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
