I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
