So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i need some magic done to my vagina
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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