1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
