I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
