She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
