We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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