If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
