im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
