wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
