The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
