Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Couch. On fire.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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