So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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