I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
