my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
